standing by

whenever i listen to ben e king

i remember my first friend who was not white

and how we stayed up late

singing that song

and how he was this amazing light

when i left the island of my childhood home

and moved to the city, to the mainland.

if you haven’t understood

that love is the only solution

to all our ignorance

and fear of each other

you will kids.

you fucking have to.


Kurt’s Character

Someone sang it once and they were right
“I only have to do it”

and I was a little fucker back then
when I heard it, and I thought it meant,

I was meant,
for more than what
men are usually meant for.

Someone picked up a brick and
dipped it in cow shit and threw it

threw my dreams later, too

that summer
and it didn’t matter
no, not anymore.

Someone went away and
now the songs are even worse.

Anyway, I say this only now to you
because for one,
I wanted to know you loved me

enough to follow me down here,
and two, because you are just another

character who will either be
or not be

fifth business of me,

oh me,

oh me, indeed.


Someone sang it once and they were right
“I only have to do it”

and I was a little fucker back then
when I heard it and I thought it meant

I was meant
for more than what
men are usually meant for.

Someone picked up a brick and
dipped it in cow shit and threw it

threw my dreams later

that summer
and it didn’t matter anymore.

Someone went away and
now the songs are even worse.

Anyway, I say this only now to you
because for one,
I wanted to know you loved me

enough to follow me down here,
and two, because you are just another

character who will either be
or not be

new poem

new poem: let me black out your early morning smile with the knowledge that nothing will ever last as long as this night let’s contort for a bit and pretend our limbs might have some sort of secret locked between their shuffle let’s joke the seizure of dance into being anything else I want to hear your limbs cascade the rocks the ocean knows how to lie because its been stuck around us all this time let’s get a good ole sing song around the fire of this camped out shit song and when it hits hard lets not forget that everybody rots inside the same earthly shell lets not let ourselves forget that as nice and kind and good as you think you are being in the end we all rot in the same contaminated earth let’s not forget that as much as you played and prayed and weighted in on this thing that in the end we all rotted to the core and were left as we started when it gets ugly don’t forget the ugly are here waiting for the cause know that we are all waiting for some other ugly fuck to replace us in a long long line up of others who have just fucked their existences into this moment and know that you are nothing else but another warm snowflake in the shit of now in the shit of now there are many, many new promises made know that death is your blessing it is your chance to not give a fuck your chance to be bukowski and when you get really dark and down know that you wasted all the moments in-between to know this is to at least have some sense of truth in between your knees before it starts to bleed irrevocably until it seethes until it secedes itself to the throne of your own final, rattled breaths lets be real it all ends and nobody can stop it nobody can stop it and nobody can ever hope for anything else but this lets be fucking real a scream in the face of life is a scream nobody has a goddamn chance we all die alone and our bodies are instruments left to rust that just happen to dance again before anyone thought possible and when I go I hope I go like a dusty trombone like dirty saxophone like an ugly piano like a simple struggle I hope it breaks open a pit inside me in surround sound and fucking sing-song I hope it oozes out of me like no tomorrow like no sparrow had a shot outside my own vision when I go I hope I go narrow against the edge of it I hope I redefine the idea of a crow that pecks its owns eye out I hope it spills speaks splurges outside of me like there was no tomorrow when I go it better be worth it because other wise ill get hard and wronged and horny and ill flip every fucking table in this joint and every head will and every eye socket and every limb will pop will blow


I wrote your name on beach rocks.
It took me all season but I made sure to cover
a decent plot of the summer-lands
so you would find it attached to mine.
You could keep your name, we could both hyphenate.
I laughed.

I wrote your name in swirling fonts.
I added hearts.
I was sick.
I knew we were never meant to be.
But I practiced the dangerous devotion
of all early love in a kid’s hands.

Just like when at 12 I knew
Steven King was meant to adopt me.
He just had to meet me, hear my stories, and

I planned it all out.

The T-bone over the high iron gates,
to distract his Rottweiler’s.

I buried a dream or too as well,
but they were mostly muffled screams
and kisses that got lost in the rain
on a night where a baby fox watched us
make love,
and it was too beautiful afterward
to think about more than once
after every new major life shift.

I learned the calligraphy of tired and high
and over-excited bodies in beautiful folds
and creases, sleeping in what is impossible
yet never even for an instant awkward.

I rolled a joint from a Bible’s page once,
with honey and desire.

I swore it was the last time
I lent out my papers at life’s parties.

I kept going.
I found new loves, new chains, new homes
and new rocks.

Film Slag

Watching the end of the movie
it rarely matters which one
I can always envision improvements.

Planning another doomed escape;
I’ve got a pocket of creatures who
vie always for my attention

(which is daily tighter
wrapped over the rest of my
god-forgotten soul)

Coming back to the ground
where all the first stories
dawned on me,

and dosed me with something to get
off the million wrong highways
I would’ve just died on,

have a back pack of note books
I’ll never put down, and gadgets
that I use mostly to send more
into the vault, now and later, too,

I’ll be reworking, rewriting all the
different ends, even yours, yes,

even you.

Untied Legends

The ones you call skeet live deeper, more passionate lives than you think. Their wrecked, weekend-tweaked binge stretches into Tuesday and nobody tells a story like they do on Wednesday, cheque day, a day of impossible dreams made real again. And before you know it another hot minute expands out into the cheap air of some pizza shop or corner store, and another break up and curse words and sirens and rap lyrics on young flesh and beatings, jumpings, crying, broken bones. Angry actors replaying the speech for the thirtieth time that day.

I believe anyone who learns to be their own, however borrowed, absorbed, caught or struggling in the flux of, persona, is a human worth considering and respecting.

“Game Plan number 999” aka “The Final One”

Because the cavern walls have stretched behind me so long now, from that very first taste of it, and my path has curved deeper and into multiple directions and winding, twisting moments…I have decided to travel again. First, to complete the novel, then, to travel with it behind me, in me, and to master it’s retell. Then, to see wild animals, monkey and all manner of bird. To master something else. To teach. To teach children to master something, and to learn from the people around me wherever I roam. I’ll slowly repay my debt; well no, not the student one, it’s gargantuan by this point, haha, but maybe, just maybe, with the will of my every story, which is really 87 percent other people’s gifting me with theirs, I can carve out a travelling, learning, teaching and feeling empire of moments, to wander through as it crumbles in my old, wise because still learning soul’s, final trek.

I always save something immediately when it’s good. This one is the one. As Beck, quoting in cut-up-Negativland fashion, once quipped, “Things are gonna change I can feel it!”.

To give a Star Wars theater experience to my boy, to make my sister cry at her wedding with joy, and Mom of course too. To give Gramps a star, and Mickey a sober, dry run of it for at least a year at a time.

And then to finish the book, to continue sending messages to the people I love, but to go.

I am going to abandon, for a time, all physical connection to my past. I am going to cleanse, to de-age, and to re-connect with this path. I got back on it. But that’s nothing compared to where I’m going. Out of the cavern and into the pan-every-land triumph. I’ll die broke and most likely in debt, but will not have lived, for a second longer than necessary, for Nothing.

In life thus far I have purposefully derailed my future enough times to cause a sort of series of changes to my perspective. By finishing a commitment to school, and actually embracing changes I had not thought possible, I have gained the confidence to really continue my quest. To actually occupy my moments. And to write for all who have inspired me, a thank you letter that explodes in a dozen mini-narratives, like a fractal of a human set of memories. I have personified the fool, I have shaken the dreams of my life into the rivers of my notebooks, I have panned for something to hold up, more powerful than gold. I have found love, like Burroughs for his cats, in the eyes of strangers, and I have crept into friendships so unique and varieties in their connection’s forms that I can honestly say I am ready to know all love. To know all of the forms of the language of human and worldly connection is my ultimate end now.

If it is possible I will give everything I have for my work, but I am no longer foolish enough to think that process is anything but a divination of truth through other people.

The dark, brooding years of self-derailment are over. For all they taught, I offer a work of that long period’s reflection. To myself I offer the following promise. I will go out in the world. I will share the story, and in doing so, build an entirely new one. There is an architecture to joy and I am learning it’s finer points lately. It’s a pretty fantastic existence.

I think I’ll have a time with it.

I think I’ll make graphic matches with the sky, the ocean and the people in the cities I enter like a ghost and leave like a child, sad but alive with movement within and without, more synchronized, less defeated.

It will never occur to me that I have gone astray or I am lost, except in that perfect moment, looking out at the moon in Thailand, dancing to the craziest music, and alive in the truest sense. And I won’t stop, can’t stop, until I get there. Until I reach the personal, solitary zero hour, and am a phantom of my earlier self.

I think the evenings of my life will fill with my words thrown down at all hours, and early jogging and loads of dancing. I want to teach the kids English, teach myself humility and self-love, and just go, go, go.

I Think I finally understand Neal Cassidy.