I want to tell you
about the nothing
and how it was on my back
from late 90s to just now.
My first time was
just a six pack
of coca cola I was
12 maybe 13,
and I was up all night
with the caffeine propping up
my stinging eyes like,
twitchy invisible insect germs,
holding up heavy red curtains.
I used it to get more comic books read.
It gave me the strength to watch
entire nights of reruns.
I moved onto vodka pretty
much the next summer.
Because it made me think I was
an extrovert and a revolutionary,
and because Val Kilmer drank
as Jim Morrison and I wanted to
be a rebel like him.
I always sounded more like
the Lizard King after some drinks.
It was like the liquid gave me skill.
First pack of smokes found
in The Beer Store parking lot on
Chopin Street in Preston.
They bought me the prison yard acceptance
of first year high school.
I smoked more green any man ever seen,
we had something called wheelchair pot and
I laughed at the sky.
Our crew donned Value Village polyester and
tie dyes from local hemp shops.
We slunk through corn field grids
like eager pony tailed lab rats,
hunting down the cheese of
some wheat kings secret plants.
Dried them out in our parents rafters,
sold the shit for better stuff.
Drank a bottle of Robitussin
because some raver chick in
funfer pink told me it was like Acid,
which was hard to come by and
always made me feel like Neo,
even before The Matrix came out.
My first line was the last thing I
ever put on my back,
through my nose.
I say first because it’s all
the same line,
one massive one that stretches from
a cramped apartment on St. Andrew’s hill,
winds through the jungle of a hundred
dirty stalls, stripper’s breasts, mirror and
chipped dinner plates.
I earned a twitch in the final years,
when I would go for days at a time,
I can’t quite tell you
for too long about it
without risking the
abyss taking me back
you have to take my word
you have nothing
to lose by gaining better ground
in this war,
you lose only your mind when you
play the game with the Nothing,
the not-knot but
that you see hanging
from your neck on trees
the next morning,
you’ll have to take my warning
as it is.
I’m just not far away from the fire yet
to turn back and laugh
without risking a salty
statuette of my good intent.
I’ve earned that much.
I sip coffee in the morning now
with all the music that
was always there to
bring me into sleep,
it is the drug I will always
lean hardest on.